Not What It Used To Be
by Nikki Von Dratch
Summary: Jennifer/Needy. FEMSLASH.


Not What It Used To Be

Things between Needy and Jennifer are not what they used to be. Needy remembers Jennifer being much nicer when they were little, much sweeter, more innocent. Somewhere along the lines though, Jennifer lost her innocence. Lost that purity that made her seem so divine to Needy when they were kids. And Needy has always been convinced that she was the cause of Jennifer's downward spiral into slutdom. Maybe she's completely wrong, but she believes deep down in her heart that Jennifer lost her sweetness—or, at least, some of it—that first time they kissed. It was after that kiss that everything seemed to just become so much heavier, so much more real, for the both of them.

It seemed innocent enough at the time. They were in Needy's bedroom, lying next to each other on Needy's bed staring up at the ceiling. Jennifer had been babbling on and on about some cute boy she met in math class while Needy pretended to be interested. In truth, she couldn't have cared less about Bobby or Billy or Brody or whatever the hell his name was. No, she mostly just found herself genuinely wanting to know what he had that she didn't. What about him made Jennifer's eyes light up whenever she mentioned his name? What about _him _made the other girl's heart go pit-a-pat whenever he was near? For the life of her, Needy just couldn't seem to figure it out, and even worse, she couldn't figure out why she cared in the first place. Jennifer was her best friend, true, but their relationship wasn't anything more than that. They were just friends.

As it turns out, Needy couldn't have been more wrong if she had tried. The kiss was meant to be a way to simply shut Jennifer up, but it turned into something else quickly. Much too quickly for either of them to fully comprehend just what was going on. Whatever was happening between them then, when Needy made the decision to roll herself on top of her best friend and kiss her full on the lips, wasn't entirely clear until weeks later when it happened again. That time, Jennifer had found Needy in the girls' bathroom at school and pushed her up against one of the stalls, kissing her fiercely. When the blonde got past her initial shock, she found herself wondering where Jennifer had learned to kiss so damn good, and then realized that she'd rather not know about all the other people Jennifer had kissed before her. Some things are better left unsaid and all that jazz.

They never discussed the semantics of their relationship. Needy was pretty sure it couldn't even be considered that—a relationship was such a neat little box to put them into, and what was going on between them was anything but neat. Most times, when they were together, things were messy and sloppy and rushed, lips crashing against each other, tongues sliding past one another, teeth scraping, fingernails scratching, bodies fusing together with a thin sheen of sweat, bodies moving together in no particular rhythm.

They were clumsy and silly and giggly and awkward and all those other things that most 16-year-olds are when they have their first sexual encounter. Needy had no idea what she was doing, but Jennifer always seemed to know a little more. Their first time, Jennifer knew just what to do, just where to kiss and how to curl her fingers inside Needy and how to apply just the right amount of pressure to that hyper-sensitive little bundle of nerves. She knew exactly what to say, the perfect things to whisper into Needy's ear and make her moan in response. What she didn't know was just how big of an impact this interaction would have on their friendship.

Then Needy met Chip, and oh boy, did that put a stick in the spokes of their little lesbian-love-tryst bicycle. Needy assumed that when she fell for Chip, the things she had done with Jennifer had just been a phase, a college experiment that she had gotten a major head-start on. Needless to say, Jennifer didn't see it the same way. She played it cool, though. She didn't play the jealous best friend card, although she made it well-known from the beginning that she didn't care much for Chip. She'd always steal Needy away from him whenever she had the chance and tease the boy mercilessly. In Jennifer's eyes, Chip wasn't good enough for Needy, nor would he ever be. Truth be told, there were times when Needy wasn't quite sure if Chip was good enough for her either, but she brushed those thoughts away in the hopes that it was just Jennifer's attitude rubbing off on her.

Things changed again when Needy found out that Jennifer had been wrongfully sacrificed and turned into some demonic entity through a botched satanic ritual. She remembers feeling horrible and sick and twisted when Jennifer told her the story. Remembers wanting nothing more than to pull Jennifer close to her and hold her and kiss her and tell her everything would be okay, in spite of the fact that things would never be okay again. There was really no way to get Jennifer back. Not _her_ Jennifer. Not the bright-eyed girl who could melt Needy's soul with a single look or make her pulse speed up with a single touch.

Needy remembers Jennifer's complete and utter lack of emotion as she related her story, remembers the tears that immediately sprang to her own eyes at hearing the horrible ordeal her best friend had went through. How could she have let them do that to her? How could she have let them hurt Jennifer like that? She didn't do it on purpose. No, she could never purposely let someone hurt Jennifer, but she knew deep down that it had been partially her fault. After all, if she truly believed that she had been the cause of Jennifer's initial loss of innocence, well, that made her at least partly responsible as well.

But the thing Needy seems to remember the most vividly is when Jennifer kissed her that night. She had called it "playing boyfriend/girlfriend" like they used to. Needy knew what she was referring to, knew that it involved those times they had been intimate. She also knew what Jennifer was after when she said that. And when the other girl—or maybe she wasn't a girl at all anymore—got to her knees on Needy's bed and moved closer to the blonde, Needy tried to turn away, but she just couldn't help herself when Jennifer slowly brought their lips together. That kiss was the softest they'd ever shared, which was really kind of sad because all those other times, Jennifer hadn't been possessed by a demon. It didn't make sense that she would be more gentle with Needy after she had become a blood-thirsty killer. Or maybe it did. Needy never really could decide.

Needy remembers wishing Jennifer had kissed her like this before, wishing Jennifer had wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close into the warmth of her body. She might have never left the brunette's grasp if she had known then what she'd be missing. As Jennifer slowly tugged Needy forward and down on top of her, Needy remembers wishing they'd have been this experienced all those other times. Most importantly, though, she remembers wishing that she had never let Jennifer leave alone with that stupid band. If that had never happened, maybe she and Jennifer could have just been there, together, touching each other like that without having to think about what would happen if Jennifer went on killing people—no, killing boys.

Needy could have concentrated fully on just feeling—Jennifer's hands on her body, long, tapered fingers mapping every inch of her skin and then some, exploring her inside and out—instead of thinking about how she'd never be able to get her best friend back. They'd never be able to do this again. Not after what Jennifer had told her. There was no way to reverse this tragedy that had happened to her. No way to undo what was done, no way that didn't involve Jennifer dying a horrible and excruciating death.

It was that thought that finally made Needy realize, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that things between her and Jennifer really weren't what they used to be. And when she woke up in the middle of the night to find the side of the bed that had previously been occupied by her best friend cold and empty, the girl undoubtedly out somewhere hunting for her next meal, Needy curled up into a little ball and cried herself back to sleep, wishing that she had never kissed Jennifer that day on her bed those few years ago.


End file.
